so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
