I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
