dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
