Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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