Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
