I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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