My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
cat food counts as protein by the way
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
