I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He? As in you personified your dick?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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