i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
