I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
