i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
