You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
