he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I fill condoms, not promises.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city