i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.