oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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