just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
two words...techno handjob
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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