I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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