remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
