There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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