The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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