you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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