I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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