this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
