I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
