Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
