Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
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I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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