literally had 100 drinks last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
