Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
