Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
