i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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