The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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