Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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