i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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