i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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