So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
