i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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