period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
