It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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