chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Randomize
