I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
