life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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