A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
