im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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