Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize