No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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