ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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