No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
