So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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