I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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