when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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