Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
