So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
