Moan for me like Helen Keller
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
sarcasm needs its own font
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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