the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
