Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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