I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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