wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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