Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
