can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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