my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
