Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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