I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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