By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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