Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
